Bush: U. S. Government to Go Out of Business

President George W. Bush gives the finger to Wal-Mart. "Better prices and a better selection," said the President about the government's going out of business sale.

President Bush has announced that the federal government is going out of business.

"The U.S. government, America's place for law and order since 1776, has lost its lease, and everything must go, go, go," Bush said. "But our loss is your gain, and make no mistake: You, the people, would be crazy to miss out on these amazing closeout bargains."

The Washington-based government, which hasn't shown a profit in five years and carries the highest debt in its history, was ultimately driven out of business by costly overhead and cheap foreign competitors. As a result, Bush said, everything—from flag stands and Capitol cafeteria flatware to legislation dating from the early days of the republic—will be marked down 30 to 90 percent.

"Get yourself a piece of history, or just stock up on your favorite items—whatever it is, chances are we've got it," said Bush, wearing a 10-gallon hat and standing before a chroma-key background of the National Mall as a list of federal items and their discounted prices scrolled down the screen. "But act fast, because deals like these will not last."

According to surveys, the American people, by a 2 to 1 margin, report that they will not miss the government. The same survey reports that close to half of all Americans would like to see China as their next government. As one citizen put it, "Our old government was always getting into wars and taxes were too high. If the Chinese can produce a government as good as their electronics, then I think most Americans would welcome another Chinese import--government by China. Of course, that assumes the price is right."

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